Caged Bird Flies. Some more.

So I got this new laptop this past January and it's really slammin' except for one little thing.  And that little thing is such a big nuisance to me that I haven't written a blog since I got it.  The brilliant designers at Dell or wherever thought it would be aesthetically (obviously not functionally) AWESOME to space out each and every key on the keyboard.  Also, they thought it would be nifty to create a supercool multigesture touchpad that is so sensitive.  My cursor flies all over the place as I gracefully extend my Go-Go-Gadget fingers over the great expanse that is my keyboard and touchpad. (!@&^#%@^%$@^%#)

Then I went to Big Lots and bought an awesomer wireless mouse and found out how to disable the mousepad.  Take that, you ridiculously malfunctioning multi-function touchpad and spacey keyboard!  Back to the blog.

Is it just me or do we become most excellent at jamming ten times the life into half the time as we age?  The past 4.5 months seem to half the substance of at least five years.  Some of the major headlines include a talking/running/jumping/sweet as pie toddler, two new dents in our car, some rejuvenated houseplants, a few more burgeoning wrinkles (laugh lines of the forehead, that is), P90X, and my first real live Temple Recommend.  And a trip to Utah!  I saved the best ones for last, eh?

On April 21, 2012 I invited everybody and their monkey's uncles to come with me as I received my endowments in the Raleigh/Apex Temple.  I now know that this Temple is a little on the small side and that maybe from now on I shall keep things a bit more intimate (sorry families of the two wedding parties also present that day).  It was really neat.  I'm still letting that trip sink in and I can see now that it will probably be sinking in for years to come.  Which I'm glad about because it's like a good book you never want to end in the sense that this story will continue to evolve at a rate pleasing to my curious soul.  When I was a smallish kid and I fell down the rabbit hole (like Alice, eh?) I longed/wished/prayed to find some secret garden/room/clearing in the woods that would be quiet and safe.  A protected place where I could go to escape living nightmares and nasty things with beautiful disguises and just have a second to breathe...yes, sometimes life is hard and real like that.  I guess I stopped looking for that place somewhere along the line, at least consciously.  I imagine my heart has always been wisely seeking, sometimes unbeknownst to myself (thank goodness) because low and behold I've finally found it.  I've found it in a little green copse akin to the one Joseph Smith once found.  But those are fleeting places amid the Manifest Destiny-esque western world.  I've found it in moments of walking around or playing with my son.  I've found it in the goofy laughs of friends piled in my living room late at night.  I've found it in my church's chapel on some Sundays.  But those are all like rainbows.  You can't hunt them down or makes appointments with them.  Rainbows just happen, people!  You gotta have patience and keep those eyes peeled.  But what I've really found are stationary places that you can go and feel relief.  You can be really quiet and everyone else will, too, so you can hear your thoughts and sometimes thoughts that seem too good to be your own (I like those best).  There are lovely lights and artworks abound and everyone smiles and whispers like you're in the middle of keeping The Best Kept Secret except even better because it isn't a secret at all.  In fact, you can tell everyone you want because it feels really good to share good stuff.  But you can find out about how much you are worth and how much you are needed and loved.  You can know specifically why you are here in the life that can be so ugly and hard and you can ask all your most difficult questions in one place and feel that the odds are in your favor for getting an answer.  You can stop and smell the flowers, sit on a lovely bench and look at the blue, blue sky, you can put someone's name on a piece of paper thereby include them in a collective effort to heal and love.  Sometimes that's the best we can do for each other.  I suppose I'm running along with this, eh?  I found the Temple.  That's what I'm saying!  I found the Temple.  And then...I found more!

Raleigh/Apex Temple

St. George Temple

Provo Temple

So I recommend that you go see the nearest Temple!  It has what I imagine most, if not all, of us need.  If I prescribed to a different faith, I think I would at least investigate the Latter-Day Saint church and the Book of Mormon because it is a source of happiness and peace.  I know I investigated other churches and found those things there.  I suppose the important thing is that you find that somewhere.  The Temple and the Book of Mormon make me the happiest and bring me the most peace out of all the different avenues I have thus far tried, though.  It made my brain say, "TRUE!"

The purpose of this trip to Utah at the beginning of May was to visit family.  And not just any family, but the best family I could ever hope to call my own.  Especially my stepson and daughter!  After losing sleep and telling my heart to calm down for several weeks, I finally popped that bubble and took the next step with my family.  I met a strong, down to earth Mama (much like myself) who can dig ditches and cook mac 'n cheese with the best of'em.  I found out that B (the big bro) is nearly bursting with tenderness for others and likes Bakugan.  He is also an avid reader.  Little Miss L is not necessarily shy as much as appropriately guarded and modest (as all true ladies are).  She really is an old soul and doles out love in a manner that makes you wanna earn it.  I can respect that.  We all had a lot of 'moments' throughout the trip and I'm not so scared of our future together anymore.  Boogie loves them all easily and readily (where'd he get that from?!) and loves it when Big Bro helps him on the slide or when Little Miss L pushes him in the stroller.  He likes to point to their pictures and say their names (he gets pretty excited about Skype, too).

So.  Lately my heart has been bursting with mostly good stuff.  I've got some struggles going on but who the heck don't (i just love dialectical grammatical faux pas, don't you?).  I hope I can go back to the Temple soon because I kinda really need it about now.  Maybe I'll call 60 of my closest friends again and make a day of it (Ha!).

Did I mention I got to meet my first ever grandparents?  And I have The Coolest Aunt-in-Laws Ever.  They are so cool that from now on I am dropping the In-Law separation.  And it almost...no, it DID make me cry to find out what families can be like.  I had to wait a good long while to know that kind of good thing...but I'm not mad about the wait.  I'm just really excited for the next time because it's worth all the effort.  You gotta hang on tooth and nail for the good stuff, folks!

I Love You B, L, Crys, Carolyn, Roy, Hez, Reb, Zay, Tea, Ex, Gbug, Joann, David, Monty, Reb's Hubby whose name I somehow can't think of right now, E and his son, and...goodness I'm probably forgetting someone but dang it was a big crowd.  Love ya'll so much!

<3<3<3

Who's in charge here?

<3<3<3

<3¡Family Reunion May 2012!<3

So Much to Write, So Little _______.

It is quite ironic that creativity is most forthcoming upon the twilight of sleep.  Maybe my pillow or my Sacred Sheet (bed sheet I have slept with since I was six years old) is doused with a special Creativity Serum that Gain just can't wash out.  Whatever it may be, it has struck again.  This will be the first post of that string of imaginative and analytical compulsion.  Hopefully I will also be blessed with the gumption and remembrance to publish the others...after some shuteye.   

I turned 29 last month.  My twenty-ninth year brings to mind such things as wedding anniversaries, receiving Temple ordinances, another baby, time constraints, billsbillsbills, Amazing Toddler Tricks, continuing education, billsbillsbills, did I mention the Temple?, and preparing to buy a house.  That last one lead to a tangent regarding my perspective as a younger adult vs, my current adult status (married with children and a tad wiser).  Thus I created an imaginary conversation with my younger self.  Practicing, of course, for any future conversations I will hopefully have with my own children.  It goes something like this:

Young Lady.  Look at you.  You are so beautiful and you haven't a clue.  So beautiful yet made ugly by the struggle in which you now engage!  Wasting your talents on battles you already suspect you must lose and at what cost?  What do you hope to gain?  I am so grateful that your trust in the Lord at least grants you enough wisdom to know that despite your best efforts, He will educate you.  He will impart some measure of knowledge that you desperately need although it will most likely not be what you expect.  At this age, you have entered the Great War with Thyself.  Well, perhaps you entered it much earlier but you had protection then.  Now you are fully exposed and how does that feel?  Vulnerability and naiveté are your only garments.  And with such a Bright Light, even your darkest enemies are not fooled by your articulation, your silly attempts at disarming that of which you know nothing.  In your heart, you can feel the potential, the promises that were made to you.  And you seek out your savior like he is a debtor instead of...your Savior!

Trying to find yourself is like trying to buy a house.  Eventually you reach a point when you would like to take out a loan.  The prudent thing to do is save up that 20% for a down payment.  But there are advertisements for lenders that are more than willing to pre-qualify you for a loan with absolutely nothing down.  Also, when it comes to figuring out who you are, you must come up with much more than a mere 20%.  The self-restraint, discipline, and patience it requires is astounding.  Sometimes as young people we respond to those ads all around us from classmates, coworkers, acquaintances, sometimes friends and family to exchange a bit of dignity or self-respect for something we want or need right that minute.  We mistreat our bodies and minds so that we can have company and solace in this lonely world.  Sometimes we renegotiate the terms of our covenants so that we can feel like we are a part of something; a group, a moment, a movement.  And sometimes we search another human being's face or heart for signs that we are confident, happy, or successful and good.  We, at any cost, will avoid all the hard work that it takes to save up at least 20% to really and truly know ourselves.  Because whether we are aware or not, life is being very hard on us.  And haven't we the need to take a breather every now and again?  Shouldn't our Father in Heaven have a little mercy on us for going through that 'phase'?  Because it is just a phase (and age-appropriate).  Right?

My dear, that is wrong.  You are being mislead.  And it is at the detriment of only you.  You bright, young, beautiful creation I will tell you what you must do to get what you want and what you need.  You must lose sleep.  You must work so hard that friends hardly see you at times but your family begins to see you more clearly.  You must tell yourself every day that those heartfelt promises are and will be fulfilled by the only one who loves you endlessly.  You must tell yourself that you are absolutely worth the wait.  Tell yourself that time will fade the scars and maybe not the memories but that there will be brighter moments that outshine every single dark corner of your mind.  You must tell yourself to eat right and drink plenty of water.  You must tell yourself that money is just money but it is a tool that needs to be used properly.  The greatest builder of all will teach you how to construct Your Own Happiness.  Most of all, you must tell yourself to love others as you love yourself.  And if you do all of these things then you are loving yourself well and will be able to love others well, too.  The world needs that.

Please, Blog, remain available to me always so that when I am older and grayer and can't remember my more awesome moments (I hope this is actually awesome and I'm not just over-tired) I can forward this post to my kids.  Actually a good parent would do it in person.  They will probably have holographs by then.  Will we even use the English language anymore?  I wonder if it will be more like smh, ttyl bc i'm so frkn trd.

Love to you all and to all a peaceful night's sleep,

mama