It is quite ironic that creativity is most forthcoming upon the twilight of sleep. Maybe my pillow or my Sacred Sheet (bed sheet I have slept with since I was six years old) is doused with a special Creativity Serum that Gain just can't wash out. Whatever it may be, it has struck again. This will be the first post of that string of imaginative and analytical compulsion. Hopefully I will also be blessed with the gumption and remembrance to publish the others...after some shuteye.
I turned 29 last month. My twenty-ninth year brings to mind such things as wedding anniversaries, receiving Temple ordinances, another baby, time constraints, billsbillsbills, Amazing Toddler Tricks, continuing education, billsbillsbills, did I mention the Temple?, and preparing to buy a house. That last one lead to a tangent regarding my perspective as a younger adult vs, my current adult status (married with children and a tad wiser). Thus I created an imaginary conversation with my younger self. Practicing, of course, for any future conversations I will hopefully have with my own children. It goes something like this:
Young Lady. Look at you. You are so beautiful and you haven't a clue. So beautiful yet made ugly by the struggle in which you now engage! Wasting your talents on battles you already suspect you must lose and at what cost? What do you hope to gain? I am so grateful that your trust in the Lord at least grants you enough wisdom to know that despite your best efforts, He will educate you. He will impart some measure of knowledge that you desperately need although it will most likely not be what you expect. At this age, you have entered the Great War with Thyself. Well, perhaps you entered it much earlier but you had protection then. Now you are fully exposed and how does that feel? Vulnerability and naiveté are your only garments. And with such a Bright Light, even your darkest enemies are not fooled by your articulation, your silly attempts at disarming that of which you know nothing. In your heart, you can feel the potential, the promises that were made to you. And you seek out your savior like he is a debtor instead of...your Savior!
Trying to find yourself is like trying to buy a house. Eventually you reach a point when you would like to take out a loan. The prudent thing to do is save up that 20% for a down payment. But there are advertisements for lenders that are more than willing to pre-qualify you for a loan with absolutely nothing down. Also, when it comes to figuring out who you are, you must come up with much more than a mere 20%. The self-restraint, discipline, and patience it requires is astounding. Sometimes as young people we respond to those ads all around us from classmates, coworkers, acquaintances, sometimes friends and family to exchange a bit of dignity or self-respect for something we want or need right that minute. We mistreat our bodies and minds so that we can have company and solace in this lonely world. Sometimes we renegotiate the terms of our covenants so that we can feel like we are a part of something; a group, a moment, a movement. And sometimes we search another human being's face or heart for signs that we are confident, happy, or successful and good. We, at any cost, will avoid all the hard work that it takes to save up at least 20% to really and truly know ourselves. Because whether we are aware or not, life is being very hard on us. And haven't we the need to take a breather every now and again? Shouldn't our Father in Heaven have a little mercy on us for going through that 'phase'? Because it is just a phase (and age-appropriate). Right?
My dear, that is wrong. You are being mislead. And it is at the detriment of only you. You bright, young, beautiful creation I will tell you what you must do to get what you want and what you need. You must lose sleep. You must work so hard that friends hardly see you at times but your family begins to see you more clearly. You must tell yourself every day that those heartfelt promises are and will be fulfilled by the only one who loves you endlessly. You must tell yourself that you are absolutely worth the wait. Tell yourself that time will fade the scars and maybe not the memories but that there will be brighter moments that outshine every single dark corner of your mind. You must tell yourself to eat right and drink plenty of water. You must tell yourself that money is just money but it is a tool that needs to be used properly. The greatest builder of all will teach you how to construct Your Own Happiness. Most of all, you must tell yourself to love others as you love yourself. And if you do all of these things then you are loving yourself well and will be able to love others well, too. The world needs that.
Please, Blog, remain available to me always so that when I am older and grayer and can't remember my more awesome moments (I hope this is actually awesome and I'm not just over-tired) I can forward this post to my kids. Actually a good parent would do it in person. They will probably have holographs by then. Will we even use the English language anymore? I wonder if it will be more like smh, ttyl bc i'm so frkn trd.
Love to you all and to all a peaceful night's sleep,